|
"You work for a magazine called f**king Q! What does
that mean?" says Noel.
I say that Q is cryptic. It doesn't mean anything, but
that's OK. Don't Believe The Truth, as a bald statement, is stupid. And so it
goes. There is angst here and we get it off our chests by shouting nose to
nose. I am a f**king idiot. They are stupid bastards. By the end we are
laughing. Just about.
Liam is a practised drunk. His words get darker, but his
balance and coordination cope well with repeated cheekfuls of lager. By
contrast, Noel Gallagher recommends a fine local red wine. Soon we are both
talking like stroke victims.
After half an hour of this Liam gets bored of talking and
so resorts to panto: he steals my glasses and puts them on. He then ties the
towel round the bottom half of his face claiming to be Osama Bin Laden from the
nose down and Austin Powers above. He's climbed onto a bar stool to proclaim
this.
By 2:30am the bar is closing but we are allowed to take
many of its contents into the hotel lounge. The nice sofas affect the mood: the
Gallaghers seem to decide I am their grandpa. Noel rubs my back. Liam, in a
drunk, conspiratorial baritone,
leans in close and says that if I ever need anyone ever he will be there for me
for the rest of my life. Then he starts licking my eyes. Noel says that
whatever I have done to his brother, he needs the transformation to be
permanent and I am to join the Oasis tour as his personal guru.
I have my tape recorder and ask for an interview. The
band publicist intervenes. The request gets tossed around like a grenade with
the pin out. Noel demands the machine be turned on.
"I have belief in you," slurs Liam, sounding
vaguely ecclesiastical . "I am in you and you are in me, geezer."
Noel, why did you walk out of the interview?
NG: You were a c**t for asking all that stuff about
ex-wives.
Do you think you have been a father figure to Liam?
NG: No.
LG: Course he's not my f**king dad. My dad is a bald
wanker from Manchester.
NG: He's from Ireland ,actually.
Why haven't you sacked each other? You've sacked everyone
else...
LG: Look, you daft c**t, that's a f**king stupid
question. What do you mean, "Why doesn't he sack me?" He can't sack
me. It's my band.
Let's put it another way. Drummers, guitarists, wives
have all been shown the door. But you've never fired each other? Have others
paid the price for your issues?
LG: Are you looking for a slap? I'll kick yer ankle.
First you come here like a little cat who's just done his first poo asking me
to kiss him, what's up with you?
NG: Calm down, Liam. Play the game. Boo-hoo. I can think
of 29 reasons why we should've got rid of...
LG: [To Noel] If you even f**king DARE to answer the
question why you haven't sacked me I'd knock your f**king head off and the same
if I sacked you.
Why can't you admit you love each other?
LG: He's been at this all week. There's something wrong
with you.
NG: It's sort of better unsaid, isn't it?
BY 4AM INTERVIEW conditions have deteriorated even
further and Liam is now addressing me as "Colin". But there is still
much to learn from observing the brothers interacting while disabled by fine
wines and ale. Liam makes his brother cry with laughter by telling a joke and
sealing with punchline with a fart. Noel proclaims Liam's genius and asks him
to repeat the gag. Instead Liam steals my mobile phone and walks off (a day later,
it transpires he has woken my girlfriend in the early hours to ask what colour
knickers she is wearing). But it's also apparent he doesn't like me questioning
his brother. He has limited patience for self-reflection, and while Noel will
explore his relationship with Liam thoughtfully and honestly, Liam takes
further refuge in surrealism.
"You want to know if I'm the thick one or the clown,
but I know the answer to life," says Liam. "Tulips have a spiritual
quality. The answer to life is a four-door tulip."
|
